THE TWO MINUTE HAGADAH

In the spirit of taking time out of our preps in order to laugh a little.

The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine.

(Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce.

(Eat parsley.)
Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt . Now we’re free.

That’s why we’re doing this.
Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt , we were in a hurry.
There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A funny story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning.

(Heat soup now.)
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children:

We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The story of Passover:

It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt . Pharaoh is a nightmare.

We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians.

We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea .

We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky.

We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna,

get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple,

enjoy several years without being persecuted again.

(Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues:

Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.
The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea , it would’ve been enough.
If he’d parted the Red Sea —

(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)
Eat matzoh.

Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
SERVE MEAL.