Today is March 28, 2024 / /

Kosher Nexus
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KOSHUS NEXOR

This just in: Breaking News………. Cue sound effects…………….

The Vaad of Queens, ever vigilant, has added to their growing list of forbidden products. New on the list and just before Purim, the Vaad announced that Mun (Moon/alt. spelling) Hamantaschen were verboten on Purim.

Rabbi Kitten of the Vaad announced that even worse than the mostly non existent copepods are the hidden bugs in Mun Hamantaschen. Rabbi Kitten pointed out that the bugs look just like the teensie tiny little seeds in the Mun butter that we used to be able to use on Purim for our Hamantashen. Quoting Rabbi Issurmore, Rabbi Kitten pointed out that even one accidental bug ingested could keep one from olam habah. Not to mention that one could also choke a lot from it. In a non related development, the Queens Vaad announced that they would be conducting home inspections to make sure that the owners of businesses under their certification actually follow the letter of their contract, and do actually perform “Naygel vasser” every morning in the properly prescribed manner.

In another unrelated development, the biggest cemetery in Queens has announced that due to the increase in the cost of living, the cost of graves will also go up.

In Teaneck, Rabbi Sirius told his congregants that they may not ever vote again in any election because the local polling station is a church and once the ballots have been handled by non Jews in the church, they are assur for Jews to even handle, let alone cast. He reminded them that Stam Ballots are assur according to halacha.

In the world of Kashrus, a famous magazine announced that Moshe Rabbeinu ate treif. Calling it the biggest crisis to ever hit the Jewish people, the magazine called upon all Jews everywhere to give up meat, fish, dairy and milk products.

The Rabbinical Council of Corpus Christi announced that when buying a new computer, one must be certain that the tech support does not come from India. Indian tech support might be staffed by people who worship idols and consulting with them would be as bad as King Saul seeing the Witch of Endor. Also if we are so worried about micro bugs infecting our Mun (see above) al achat cama v’chama, we need to worry about micro bugs in our micro chips!!

The Rabbinical Council of the Reconformadox movement announced that they will not forbid same sex relationships, because it clearly will not lead to mixed dancing.