Rabbi Ichweis Alles of Yeshivat Trumbinik recently announced that he will no longer allow students at his yeshiva to read any books. Saying that reading is zilzul zman (a waste of time), the rabbi said, “Hence forth, our students will not sully their young, impressionable minds with the worthless dribble of thousands of years of pseudo scholarship.” The rabbi will simply have his students sit in the study hall and listen to the lectures of great rabbis from the last ten thousand years.
Nasal discharges have been found to be kosher after all. For years we have all watched as young men in black hats with brims that defy the law of Ohel on Shabbat stand around and attempt to “Free Willly” in public. For many years, some of the greatest askanim of our time have tried to stop this deplorable habit, but to no avail. Even greater minds were put to the task and some incredibly incredible Torah luminaries have found that nasal discharge is indeed kosher. Henceforth, those who stand around picking away at their nasal crops will be able to recycle because it all is kosher. Gives new meaning to pick, lick and flick!
Bugs: Bugs Bunny is still not kosher. Just in case you were not sure.
Micro bugs- Rabbis have ruled that the microscopic bugs that piggy back on the backs of already microscopic bugs are also not kosher. Every one knows that eating even one bug will consign your mortal soul to Gehinom, so now even invisible bugs are forbidden due to the two bugs and you’re out rule.
Ape Snotten is a candy sold in Holland. Why anyone would want to eat even candy ape snot is not clear to us at all. Be aware, however, Ape Snotten in any form is not kosher. Not even real ape snot (in contradistinction to the above article on nasal discharge) is kosher.
Rabbi Yisroel Issar Sruly Crookedgate of the Southern Israel tribe of the Shmohawk Indians has ruled that walking down the street is now assur. The rabbi said, “Far too immodestly dressed women walk on the streets making it dangerous for young yeshiva bochurs.” In addition, the rabbi said that should his boys see modern Orthodox men with their “bikini yarmulkes” it would tarnish their souls. Special buses for men only will run every three hours, twenty two minutes after the hour taking men from home to school and back.